Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Fatman Begins.

Are you ready to begin?

Not to say that I've got high expectations on the movie.
But you have to admit, a combination of Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman can't be bad.
Batman is, well a typical Batman. We're going to see only half of his face most of the time anyway.
So the cast is great. Having strong co-stars supporting the movie. And believe me, it worked like magic.
I'd say it's definitely better than X-men, or Spiderman. Not to mention the Hulk or Punisher or Hellboy.
Watch it if you haven't.
Even girls find it not bad. What are you waiting for?

What do you mean my pants are beeping?

Operation 'Pretend Scratching Nose'

Went to the Ian Potter gallery in Federation Square.
Bill Henson was having his exhibition there.
Not that I've heard of him before, but I heard it was good.
So I went there. And I was impressed.
Of course, the pictures were great. Anything would look good given if you blow them up to 5 metres wide and frame it up.
What impressed me most is the layout of the gallery.
In one room there's this wall full of black and white photo.
Staring at the 'Cameras prohibited' sign, I knew I had to take a photo of it. Regardless of what happens.
Had a hard time finding an opening. There were too little light as well. So I hope you enjoy what I risked taking photo of.
Reminds me of Metal Gear Solid.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

3 days after breaking up.

Gwwarh. I'msh er tigerrrsh.

Woke up. Saw Tiger. I thought of her.
Brushing my teeth, I saw this empty space beside my sink where her stuff used to be. I thought of her.
The stuff she left me was still on the dining table.
When my friends asked about her, I thought of her.
If they didn't ask, I still thought of her.
Walking past the restaurant we used to have dinner, I thought of her. And trust me, there's A LOT of these restaurants.
When I was making tea, I thought of her.
Talking about my ticket fine, I thought of her.
While I'm telling jokes, I thought of her.
Paying for my weekly ticket to the Indian in 7-11, I thought of her.
Anything pink reminds me of her.
Seeing people off from IH, I thought of her.
Burning Parky's philosophy text book, I thought of her.
Looking at the menu while ordering dinner, I thought of her.
I sit on my couch I thought of her.
When I wasn't thinking about her, I thought of her.
Who the fuck told me I'll get by just fine? I'm gonna scoop his/her eyeballs with my tea cups.

Goodbye Gary

Gary: I think I just came.

His last day in Melbourne, Gary went to the Symphony in Arts Centre, together with Parky and I.
It was an interesting experience: we were running short of time, had to take away McDonald's for dinner.
So where rich and old people wearing tuxedos walking in with their mothers, you'd see 3 college students standing in a dark corner munching their burgers 5 minutes before show.
There's this guy with a really cool looking wheelchair. I think I said something like: You may be rich, but you still can't walk.
And we laughed. Sorrily.
The symphony was alright. I had no idea who was playing what. It was a sudden decision to go. Although it was my first time.
The conductor limps. He walked in with a cane and conducted the whole symphony sitting down.
I've always thought that I'd fall asleep in a symphony. Yet I survived. The second piece was really boring though.
The last piece 'Symphony of Chaos' took 1 hour.
Live concert is really something. The whole orchestra is like a living thing. Flowing, moving, breathing as the musicians fiddle their violins, turn the pages, scrath their noses.
Quite impressive really.

At one point the 'drummer' made a mistake. He accidentally knocked his sticks together. Although I don't know shit about symphony, but I could still tell that he fucked up.
And I'm quite happy of that. Ha.

Sitting there for a whole 2 hour, you start to imagine the lives of musicians. Like, have any of them slept with the conductor to get a part? Did that guy get bald because of music? Are they going to have a huge party after the show? Is the violinist gonna hit on the double bass player? Were their parents there to support them? Were ALL the audiences THEIR relatives?
What I don't get is that after the whole symphony, the conductor bowed, left. Came back, bowed again, and left. Then came back, bowed again and left. Is it like an unspoken rule to do so? Or they just want the applause to go as long as possible?
I like symphony. I shall do this more often.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Maid in Malaysia Part II

So we ditched the maid that shits under the mango tree.
After that we got another Indon maid that could actually use language as a tool to communicate.
You know, instead of moans and grunts and screams.

Let's call her Kuku.
Day 1. Home.

My dad came home. Realised that Kuku was mopping the floor. The problem, however, was that the kitchen seemed flooded.
Obviously Kuku used too much water.
My dad made a remark: Wah, banyak air! (Shit, lots of water!)
The problem started here. Kuku took that not as a remark, but as an order. So she rushed out to the garden, attached the hose to the pipe and started flushing our kitchen floor with litres of water.
After my dad yelled stop, she stood there and stared at my father innocently: Apa macam, tuan? (Don't kill me, my lord!)
Using sign language, my dad said: Cepat lap lah! (wipe it quick!), with his hands swishing from side to side.
And she did. Kuku kneeled down, and started to wipe the floor with her bare hands, smiling. At that moment, my father's Hypoglossal Cranial Nerve, which controls the toungue movements, snapped.
He said, slowly: Pa..kai... kain.. ( twit..)
Kuku then took off her top to wipe the floor with, smiling. This time with passion. That's when my dad's Vagus Cranial Nerve (senses aortic blood pressure and slows heart rate) snapped, as well as the Oculomotor (eyelid and eyeball movement).
We applied for another maid.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Crush head before you scoop brains out

I met a faggot today.
We were talking about watching 2046.
He made this remark, "2046? But you can catch that on DVD! Why don't you go to an actual cinema and watch an actual movie like Mr. and Mrs. Smith?'
My eyes twitched and I saw blood.

First of all, I think Nova Cinema is better than some 'actual' cinemas. Second, 2046 is 73 times better than Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
If he wasn't a friend's friend/stranger I would have stab him in the eye with my knife and clean out his eye sockets with my fork.
Typical ignorant tasteless geek.
And have I told you I've been reading American Psycho lately? Quite a disturbing book actually. Involves nail guns.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

DM2 sounds like a rap band

Movies that I've watched since last friday:

Nobody knows
A Japanese movie by kore-eda hirokazu. It's about four children with different father living together with their same mother. One day she decided to leave her children and stay with another man. The second half of the movie shows how the children cope with poverty. Fucking depressing movie. A bit slow too. The 12 year old lead character won best actor at the Cannes Award.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith
High expectation, low satisfaction. The only good thing about the movie is the script. Witty and unique. Other than that, predictable plots, so so action scenes, fucking appaling ending. Watch it for the entertainment value and nothing else.

Life times
活 着by Zhang Yi Mou. One of the best movies he ever made. It's my second time watching on DVD. How a guy practically live through the stages of Chinese History from a wealthy brat to a common peasant that served the Liberty Army and became a street artist. An inspiring movie that leaves you with a sigh.

Shall We Dance
The one with Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez. Avoid at all cost. It's a commercial movie trying to be arthouse.

Farewell My Concubine
霸 王别姬is the best chinese movie ever made. Rich, beautiful, controversial and breathtaking. Backed up by great actors and screen writing, it surpasses even the non foreign movies. It was the happiest day of my life to obtain the Special Edition DVD.

Project A and Drunken Master II
I put them together so that I could compare and prove my statement that PA is better than DM2. After watching them back to back, I have to admit I understand why the critics think DM2 is better. It's because DM2 has more values and elements that Hollywood doesn't understand. As for PA, although it has tougher stunts and better story telling, it's just about the HK navy battling pirates. I still think DM2 is still over rated as the top 100 movies of all time.

The Longest Yard
A movie made by MTV. So expect a cliched soundtrack. Adam Sandler is just himself, I'm getting bored of his movies. It's about football and prison. Yes, American football, not pussy soccer. Surprisingly funny. Thank to people like Chris Rock in the movie. I'd rate this movie higher than Mr&Mrs Smith.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not doing cinema studies. The other day I was flipping through their text book and I realised I know 60% of the movies mentioned. If only I could exercise as much as I watch movies. I'd be Captain America.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Diary of a kettle

Dear microwave, and toaster.
The stangest thing happened lately.
Our stupid and obese owner actually used me. In fact, he boiled water for 5 times in a night. The last time I've been used so many times is when the previous owner abused his adopted son, which of course, you've heard a dozen of times.
I was surprised and curious, obviously. But I just couldn't stare and check him up then. Too risky. He might see my eyes moving. Patience is the key.
So the next day, I got to observe more.
Apparently we've got a new neighbour. The name's Teapot and he's from overseas. Some town called Japan. So proud of it he had it branded on his ass. Arrogant sonovabitch.
Fatso brought him in. Along with some peasants with names like Pu-Er and Buddha's Tears. BUDDHA's TEARS? What kind of a name is that? How gay can you get?
There're two black slaves too. But they never talk. They just stand there and await orders from Teapot. Mighty short I might add.
At first I was pretty reluctant to speak to any of them. Yet we see each other everyday. And they're increasing, these immigrants.
What Long-Jing, White Mudan, OoLong. We're outnumbered I tell you. So I guess we better suck up to them.
Yea, it's quite bizzare. Now Mr.Obese here will stand in the kitchen drinking piss from Teapot from time to time, looking stoned.
But I guess life goes on. Water comes, water goes. And my stupid button is still broken. Cheapskate owner.
I hope he gets a stroke or something.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Maid in Malaysia

Was reading my friend's post about the indo maid in his house. Reminds me of my own encounter.
It was approximately 7 years ago.
To protect this indon maid who I will never ever see again from defamation and insult, I should call her Tetek.
Tetek is from some small part of Indonesia, probably somewhere near Phuket or HoChiMinh city. So she's not that bright. Note that I'm not making fun of her mentality. We EXPECTED her to be dumb. That's why my parents chose her. I don't know. My parents are the kind that think if she's stupid and unattractive, the possibility of the maid recking the house would be lower.
Her indo language was kind of different from our Malay so we resorted to communicate in sign language.
So, day one. Morning.
My mom woke up to find Tetek peeing under our Mango tree(which died not long after). Got shocked. So she doesn't have a toilet back home in Bangkok, fine. My mom dragged her into the toilet, pointed at toilet bowl and told her to sit and pee.
She peed sitting alright. With the lids covering the toilet bowl.
Day two. Morning again.
My dad woke up to find Tetek shitting under our Mango tree(it's like getting stroke after cancer). Got shocked. So she couldn't relate peeing to shitting, fine. My dad pointed to the toilet, indicating that she does her business in there. She gave him the 'ah I got you' look and went into the toilet.
She shit in the toilet alright. Into the water draining hole(you know the one where cockroaches always run into) instead of the toilet bowl. And the hole got stuck and water is flowing backwards, filtered by her fungy submarines of course.
My parents applied for a new maid the second morning.
Hope you're not eating or something.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

In the end we shall combine!

BMW Edge Concert hall. Federation Square.

Well. How's that for a change of environment? From near nudity to high art architecture. That's me.
I never knew this concert hall (sort of) exists in FS if not for my parents. Well, no my parents and I are not that high cultured to look at architectures to start with. Just that on her way to look for toilets, my mom got lost and we had to look for her.
What am I doing taking photos while my mom was missing you say? Hmm. I dunno. She likes taking pictures. So I sort of thought that if I take my camera out she'd jump out and say: Take me!
Of course that didn't happen.
But you have to admit the view is awesome. It's good in a way that if the concert or whatever the hall was having gets boring. You can admire the view and pretend to stare in space.
Anyway if I were to film a sci fi sex educational film, this would be the view from a female egg. And all the ovum people will be sitting there waiting, for the final assault of the spermazoa battallion.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

And now, more erections!

Doctor, do I smell?

Due to popular demand (that's Parky and I), I've posted another photo of you know who. Sigh. Drool.
Actually it's from the same Maxim photoshoot. Just that I thought It was incoherent with the black bra feel, so I didn't post them together. I know, damn advertising aesthetic values.
This has more 'sick school girl at the clinic' feel.
Now all we need is her making out with Zhang ZiYi.
They should make a movie out of that concept.
It's like Tony Leong and Leslie Cheung from Wong Kar Wai's Happy Together, which this gay couple fucks all the time. Just that we'll call this one Happy To Get Her.
That would definitely win an Oscar.
Right, by saying that I feel like those crap bloggers who do nothing but comment on celebrities. 'Oh I'll hit it'. ' I'm sure she's screams and twist her waist on bed'. ' I'm sure Britney does it on the ass'.
I feel like a scum. a filth. a pervert. an advertising student.

I might as well start picking my nose

You can say whatever you want. Yea, you don't think she's pretty. You pretend to have taste. You think she's crap. You prefer some other hot celebrity. You think she's a whore.
I think she's hot. So shut up and stop staring.
Well, the girls keep rolling in huh. Well, you see. My parents've been visiting. I have to be proper and not curse and swear for 3 days. While finishing my Campaigns folio.
So this is my way of letting the pressure out. By posting sexy celebrity pictures and feel indecent. Muahahaha. Hmm. Now I think I know why my parents think I'm a bum.
Before leaving my mum still asked me to transfer to law and I couldn't fucking believe it. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I enjoy surfing for Angelina Jolie more than divorcing couples. I just said no. And she started crying and say she's worried that I don't have a future and I wouldn't be able to do as well as my architect brother or my physiotherapist sister.
And my dad just told me to lose weight.
That was depressing. As their cab was leaving I can actually see a trial of hope flowing through me from the trunk yet none stucked on me. And my supposedly proud parents. My 'as long you're happy then we're happy' parents waving at me.
Meh. Future. Who needs it.
Nothing's wrong with Advertising. I guess.

Pictures from July issue of GQ.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Thank God I'm Chinese

The art of typing with one hand.
Ok. This blog is not turning porn. Yet.
Just that lately I've been doing nothing but brainstorming for my Campaign folio. Which, is going nowhere and not as interesting at all compared to the pictures above.
Like, how to sell salt reduced bacon. How to introduce an online store for Diesel, which Cucumber asked: Diesel for lorry how to sell online? And Parky's ability to relate all ideas to suicides: Buy Nothing Day? How about shooting yourself with a gun? PFFFT!
Yea, that kind of boring stuff.
So I guess putting up some pictures of hot chick would generate more visitors than my stupid projects.
If my lecturer would look this hot, I'm sure I'll ace all my subjects. If not, at least I'll fail with a hard on instead of both failing AND not having a hot lecturer.
And no, I'm not telling you her name. Now don't you wish you were Chinese and know what her name is? What? You ARE Chinese? Well, you god damn bananas are not that superior after all eh? Look who's having the fun now.
Yay for Chinese school student! 起来!不愿做奴隶的人们!把我们的血肉筑成我们新的长城...

Photos from Maxim. Obviously.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Revenge of the Shit.

Wait, let me activate my lightsaber.

Yup. That's about it.
The picture above sums up Star Wars III.
Natalie Portman is hot. That's before she shaved off her hair and became some relatives of Jar Jar Binks.
The movie was, well, boring.
I mean, what, do you expect us to be surprised that Anakin turned evil? What, I should be shocked that all jedi's are dead?
The biggest problem of this movie, is that the freaking ending was revealed 20 years ago. 20 years ago!
I don't even know why they bothered to put Obiwan in danger. Oh my god, is he gonna die? Guess what? I saw him alive and well in Star Wars IV. 10 years ago.
The special effects were great. But you sort of get numb after the first 15 minutes. Just like LOTR 3 or Matrix 3.
Maybe that's why the old trilogy was such a success. They only show special effects once every 20 minutes so that the audience actually have to wait and appreciate it.
It's like SFX! Then swamp for 20 minutes. SFX! Then slump for 20 minutes. SFX! Then office for 20 minutes.
Then the decisive lightsaber battle.
I mean, come on, the lightsaber fight in Return of the Jedi was like my father playing Tai Chi compared to I, II and III.
But people still like it. Then it became a formula to have lightsaber battle at the end of each SW movie.
To quote one of my friend S2, the lightsaber duel in part III is like two people kissing passionately.
The script was as bad as the previous one:
You're so beautiful
. That's because I'm in love. No, because I'm in love, with you! Are you saying love is blind? No, I didnt' mean that. Translation: Hey let's fuck!
Natalie Portman should've been topless instead of freaking Darth Vader in the movie. But her hair was yucky.
R2D2 and C3Po were useless in the movie.
Apparently one of the 'younglings' were Geroge Lucas's son. Serves him right to die. What a way to start your acting career.
And starting to get irritating, Yoda's accent was. You'd expect a grand jedi master to be able to learn proper english.
I know, I know. I'm not saying anything positive about the movie. But people are going to watch it anyway. No matter what I say.
So I might as well say what I really think instead of trying to follow the flow so that society would accept me.
I wish I was 10 years old so that I won't be so analitical or logical. Then I'll actually enjoy the movie and ejaculate.
But now it's just a hype. I can't wait for Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Or The Longest Yard. Or The Weatherman.

Picture from Allure Magazine. August 2004.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Toilet. 35th flor Sofitel.